Easier to Die
by NightShadow131
Summary: .::Major Revision 8.19.05::. Quatre thinks about his life and everything that he's done. He regrets a lot of it and thinks that death is the only way out. Deals with suicide, hints cutting. Shounen ai, 2x4.


**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gundam Wing.

**Warnings**: Shounen-ai, 2x4, deals with suicide, and hints cutting. All drama-like Quatre, too... n.n;;; Rating also for a few curses here and there.

Did another revision. This fic just doesn't sit well with me at all. Out of all my fics I like this one the least. It just... I dunno. I think it is better now, though. By how much, however, is questionable. This will prob'ly still go through more revisions, but for now, this is how it's goin' to be. .:sighs:.

Sorry 'bout grammar and/or spelling mistakes. Hope you enjoy. n.n

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**Easier to Die**

**One-shot**

You know how people say life's too short; you should live it to the fullest. Whoever thought up that load of bullshit? Life is too long, unbearably long.

I hate it each time I have to get into my gundam. I should have followed in my father's footsteps.Why didn't I listen to him in the first place? His last dying wish, his wish for me to stop fighting, and I didn't listen.The guilt tears through my already fragile mind everyday. I thought by becoming a gundam pilot I could end the war. I didn't think that by not fighting could bring peace once again. The war keeps going on and on and more people are killed everyday. I guess violence really does lead to more violence. I've finally figured that out. A bit late really.

I'm so tired of all the killing. All the unnecessary deaths, all the sadness, tears, screams. I no longer want to get into my gundam, for it only leads to more pain. Pain for me and pain for the families that are destroyed with each thoughtless mission that us gundam pilots go on to "end the war", to "better the world", and all that otherlies they come up with.

I reach into a drawer and take out the razor that I always have in there ever since these thoughts first made themselves known. I have used it times before, when I was too afraid to actually go through with killing myself, but needed to cut, needed to see _my _blood spilt.

This time, though, I'm going to end it all. There's no point in living anyway. The other pilots don't need me; they could end the war on their own. I'm done killing and destroying.

I've been thinking about this for some time now, I guess, I was just… too scared, but now I'm not. Dying gives me a sort of relief, just the thought of not seeing the sun rise another day brings unbelievable content crashing through my body.

I just graze my skin at first, and watch the blood well-up.

Normally, I don't like the sight blood but this time it's as if it's freeing me.

I cut deeper this time and watch the blood flow faster, making a crimson river down my arm, slowly dripping onto the light grey carpet.

Above all the killing and destruction I've done, I regret not telling Duo how I really feel about him; that I love him. I'm ashamed at my selfishness about putting my feelings for the brunette above everything I've done; all the horrible things, things I should and never could be forgiven for.

I take the razor in my other hand and cut my other wrist. I start to feel dizzy and stumble back, leaning against the wall, the razor falling from my loose grip with a dull thump.

I hear a knock at the door; then, "Oi! Quatre, is everything alright?"

Yeah, everything's alright. I'm finally able to escape this world that I've created, the wrong one of death and destruction.

Usually, I leave the door to my room ajar so the pilots can just come in and talk to me if need be; Duo would make good use of that most the time. It was still light out and I wouldn't be even close to tired so I guess it was natural for him to ask if everything was alright.

I open my mouth with an answer, but my mouth seems to have gone dry as no sound escapes.

"Quatre?" he asks, concern lacing his usually calming and reassuring voice. I see the knob turn and Duo lets himself in, taking the silence as a 'no'.

"Quat, are you—" he cut off when he saw me leaning against the wall with blood making its way down my arms, staining the carpet beneath me… as if I really cared.

No sound was able to get past his lips. Giving up on words, he desperately ripped apart his shirt and proceeded to bandage up both my arms. I was too weak and my body was too tired to respond so I had no choice but to let him. "I have to get you to the hospital!"

I just look at him blankly, a gaze that obviously didn't reassure the panicked pilot. _I should have locked the door, _I think, continuing to stare.

"Just let me die," I try to reason with him. Shifting my gaze to watch his slender hands at work, "No one needs me."

At first he stares at me in shock, his hysteric attempts at stopping the flow of blood halted briefly. He shook his head, ridding himself of the ridiculous statement. "What the hell are you thinking! Of course we need you, especially me!" I look up when he says that. "Who would keep the peace around if you weren't around? Or come up with the tactics we use for battles?" –_yeah, that's going to convince me,_ I think sarcastically— "Besides, I will not let you die," he finished sternly.

I stare into his saddened blue eyes, sadness that I had caused. This thought only makes me feel worse. It seems as though I stared at him forever but I know it was only for a few seconds.

Why didn't I lock the door? I could be gone already and not full of even more pain.

"I have nothing."_--only you, but I can't even have that,_ I add silently, staring at the drops of blood, the sight so calming, so relieving, so…

I hiss in pain as Duo tightens the strips on my wrists.

Bringing my gaze back to Deathsycthe's pilot I drink in his beautiful features, plastering them to my mind for whatever came after death. I might as well stare now, it didn't matter, wouldn't matter. Duo would never like me in the way that I like him. Like? No, love. At first I started to just like little things that he did, like how he's always trying to cheer everyone up even after something horrible happened. Once he even got Heero to laugh. We were all speechless after that for hours. Needless to say, we teased the stoic teen relentlessly days after. He's the thing that I had been living for before things just got out of control; before I had decided that death was the only way out. Now after being with him for this long, I love him and everything he does.

"What do you mean! We're fighting to stop the war so we can finally have peace. I thought that you above everyone else here wanted to see that happen." Suddenly, he picked me up. I tried to escape but I had lost too much blood to do much of anything, except weakly struggle uselessly.

"Put me down and leave me alone!" I yelled angrily but my voice was definitely not what you would consider strong as it wavered.

"No, you're going to the hospital, whether you want to or not! I'm not going to let you die!"

"I'm not going!" I didn't need to go, couldn't go. The doctors would only pester me: 'why are you doing this?', 'why did you try to commit suicide?' the questions would be endless. I don't need any help!

"Just leave me the hell _alone_!" I had actually moved enough to fall do the ground. I stood up but dizziness prevented me from getting anywhere. Luckily, a wall was nearby so I just leaned against it… well, maybe fell against it would be a more appropriate term.

I closed my eyes as the floor continued to tilt beneath me, threatening my already unstable footing.

When I heard the deafening silence I opened my eyes and saw the look in Duo's eyes from my simple statement. The hurt there was as if I had stabbed him with a very dull knife and tried to continuously dig it in deeper. So full of pain, too much pain. I regretted what I had said. I didn't know it would hurt him so much.

"I need you Quatre. I won't let you die, especially not by your own hands." He looked away from me for a while, a thoughtful expression plastered on his beautiful face and I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking about.

I was getting light-headed from all the blood I had lost and closed my eyes. I really hadn't wanted anyone to see me like this; least of all, Duo.

Should have locked that damn door.

"Quatre, you can't die on me! I... I love you," he said the last part quietly but not too quiet for me to hear. And… I'll tell you one thing: I'm wide awake now! Duo Maxwell actually loves me? I was shocked. I couldn't believe it. I thought that he had been after Hilde.

I didn't believe him. He was just trying to fool me so I wouldn't want to die. A stupid thought really.

Abruptly, Duo leaned forward and kissed me. That kiss said everything and more; I had no doubts afterward. I parted my lips when his tongue begged for entrance, letting him taste every inch of my mouth that he wished. It felt so good to finally be kissing the person I love.

There was no need for me to say anything back, for it was all too obvious how I felt about him, how I had felt for him this whole time.

After the kiss Duo picked me up; at first I was shocked. "I'm getting you to the hospital. You've lost too much blood. I should have brought you there already."

I looked into his troubled blue eyes; this time they weren't filled with as much as pain as before, of course there was still pain there, for I just tried to kill myself. The look in his eyes was love... for me.

Nonetheless, I still reluctantly nodded. I let him carry me to the car and I promised not to ever try and kill myself again. There was still the chance that I could die while piloting Sandrock. I just didn't know how hard it might be to break the habit that I had started, seeing the cool, crimson liquid flowing freely from my arms. However, I would try, for now I had something to live for... someone.

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This is my second fic and the first Gundam Wing that I've writen, my first and only in first-person POV... and also themillionth revision I've done to this. I hope it is better than before... well, I know it is, but prob'ly not by much. I just don't like this fic...I'll get it... eventually... hopefully... Let me know what you thought, 'kay? Thanks to those of you who have reviewed so far. n.n

Ja ne


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